my birth plan

Unfortunately, I am no longer planning a freebirth. About a week ago, my OB informed me that I tested positive for Group B strep (GBS), therefore I will need to be put on antibiotics as soon as I go into labor. When he broke the news to me, I immediately felt the color slipping from my face. What about my $200 + birth kit and pool? What about Bennett's "Born at Home" organic newborn onesie from Etsy? What about proving the naysayers and skeptics wrong? The list went on and on.

My OB excused himself from the room, so I decided to browse Facebook while I waited. In my newsfeed, one of my friends who also planned a freebirth announced the birth of her child, only he was born at a hospital — not at home. Reading through the comments, many people were curious as to what happened to her unassisted homebirth and why she transferred. She simply explained that under her circumstances, she felt like it was the right thing to do. Like me, she also tested positive for GBS. Among other things, she said it felt nice to be taken care of. Bingo. 

With my family far away and scattered, I felt alone and unsupported throughout the majority of my pregnancy. JJ is a wonderful husband who goes above and beyond to support me unconditionally, so it's definitely not for a lack of love or support on his end when I say these things. And, when it comes right down to it, this is our time. I want this experience to be memorable and joyous for the both of us. If he's carrying the weight of all our stresses and worries combined, he can't be expected to be my rock when I need him the most during labor and delivery. Realistically, I just couldn't picture it.

 

My OB was back in the room, going over what needs to be done when I go into labor. I got a little choked up and teary-eyed listening to him list all the ways that my baby and I would be taken care of. Such sweet magical words that were music to my ears. I have no shame in admitting that, all along, that's all I wanted — to feel taken care of. Again, this feeling isn't for a lack of anything on my husband's part. Many of my friends are pregnant along with me, and many of them have strong birth teams and/or strong familial support with lots of love pouring in, which is a beautiful thing because all expectant mothers deserve this and so much more. I didn't get to experience that, or have the baby shower/blessing way I always dreamed of having. Being so close to the end of my pregnancy, I'm only just coming to peace with all these things that didn't go according to plan.

It probably sounds silly to some because this should be the norm, but I seriously felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me when my OB discussed all the ways I would be taken care of. He told me to relax, party, and pamper myself. He told me to enjoy the last few days of pregnancy by celebrating instead of stressing. And, as much as I was opposed to a hospital birth at first, I quickly realized that each pregnancy is different, which also means that each birth experience will be, too. I changed healthcare providers four times throughout this pregnancy, along with birth plans, and each time was a heartbreaking experience. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace with my new birth plan.

My first OB immediately severed all ties with me when I told him I was considering a midwife, and wouldn't even talk to me directly after five years of seeing him. Instead, I got a phone call from a very rude nurse who told me that he was letting me go.

That's when I switched to midwife. The honeymoon phase was great, but sadly short-lived. I felt sick for days and was told that I could call the birthing center if things didn't get better. They didn't, and I couldn't sleep, so I contacted the center. That night, I ended up going to the ER and was told that I had severe UTI and possibly staph (I definitely had the former, but luckily didn't have the latter). Regardless, I was given antibiotics and felt better soon after. However, I received text messages from my midwife (by accident) the next morning wherein she mocked me for being an overly worried first-time mom. She tried to apologize and call, but I blocked her number and cried in bed the entire day. The sense of betrayal I felt was compounded by the fact that we were paying out of pocket for everything (had I stayed with her, I would've paid her $5,000).

The third OB was the worst. He kept telling me I was a bad mother and a “bad Asian” because I declined all genetic testing. I told him I already had a Pap smear with the first OB, but he said I had to do it again. I felt like a broken record, but he didn't care and proceeded to hurt me — both verbally and physically. He was so violent during the exam that I immediately started to scoot back and begged him to stop, but he ignored me and continued to manhandle me. I bled immediately and continued to bleed a lot for the next three days. I had to throw away the panties I wore the day of the exam, and even thought I miscarried because of how sore I was and how much blood had come out of me. When they called me back, I told them to never contact me again.

My current OB is wonderful, even if I disagree with the way the hospital he delivers at treats birth. My issues are with the system — not him. He has been respectful since day one, and continues to reassure me that he will work with me to give me the birth I want and deserve.

That brings me to my birth plan. I am aware that the obstetrical nursing staff is very hands-on and pushy at my hospital, because I've met them several times, and they don't make any attempts to hide it. Likewise, I don't hide my disapproval, especially when it pertains to my experience there. At the end of the day, I am the biggest voice for myself and my baby. They don't practice evidence-based birth, which is a new concept for many American hospitals it seems, so I'll give them that. However, I plan on doing things my way as much as I can during my stay there. If the urge to move and/or eat strikes, I will listen to my body and do just that. I don't think they have a right to "allow" or "not allow" me to do things, without having good reasons which I will expect them to explain to me in depth. 

So, here it is, my birth plan.

 

Love,

Mamabear

The Little Things

Our little one will be incredibly spoiled, especially by my sister. She already went out and bought us a vintage pram, and it's pretty much the most darling thing I have ever laid my eyes on. What I love most about it is the color (brown, not blue like most) and the fact that the wheels are tiny compared to a standard pram. Here, have a look yourself. Prepare for cuteness overload!

My sister, Christine, was trying to clean it up and ended up falling backwards into my aunt's pool. She also took it to the dry cleaners, so this baby will be ready for my baby in November! This will be something I treasure forever. Can you believe it was only $129 on Craigslist?

POAS Addict

I am a "pee on a stick" addict. Can't help it. I wonder if it has anything to do with this being my first pregnancy, but I love the feeling of seeing a positive test. It really gives me the reassurance I need while I wait before scheduling my first ultrasound.

What's crazy is that I took way more than what's pictured here, because I was a crazy person and started testing during the entirety of the infamous two week wait. Hey, whatever helps people get through that long wait! I know it helped me, even if I didn't see anything until like I was 3 weeks and 5 days. Regardless of all these tests, I still knew it in my bones. I mean, I was experiencing the craziest fatigue, mood swings, and bloating all at once.

Taken from my iPhone. The rest were taken with my dslr.

I love my little sweat pea so much! I was in love with our baby before I officially knew, before I started planning, and before anything else. I already felt love for this miracle inside of me.

Love,

Mamabear

Shhhhh!

I have a little secret...but, you can't tell anyone else until I'm ready to share with the rest of the world. I debated whether or not to post anything on here yet, but this blog was created specifically for me to document my baby journey, so here goes nothing.

I am with child. There is a little baby growing inside of me! A. Baby. There's a bun in my oven! I don't know why I never felt like this day would finally come, but it has and it still feels surreal.

The only people who know are my close family and friends, and (now) you guys. My family wants me to keep it a secret until the risky period is over, but I like the idea of celebrating life to the fullest each day I have with this little life inside of me. Right now, I am one day shy of 5 weeks. I found out that I was expecting at 10 DPO (days past ovulation). Granted, the line was extremely faint and I was the only one who acknowledged a second line. I was using apps to alter the image (inverting it and whatnot) to show people what I was seeing clear as day (even though I was squinting and holding the test up to the light).

I tried to do a pregnancy announcement chalkboard thingy on Sunday, but I left my camera at home so JJ and I decided to try again before he leaves for work. We took some so-so photos with the iPhone, but it's raining now, so I doubt we'll be able to go outside for decent photos this morning.

Speaking of morning, I am now experiencing morning sickness, especially if I bend over or down to pick something up. The best way I can explain it is that it tastes really spicy and it gets stuck in my throat for awhile. I also feel icky when I brush my teeth, but no vomiting yet, just nausea and general icky-ness.

I can eat entire jars of pickles in one sitting, and I've done it three times already. Honestly, I feel like they're not sour enough. I have been craving salty and spicy foods, and pickles have become a go-to snack if I can't get my fix. I hate to be the stereotypical pregnant woman, but it is what it is! I also have extremely tender/fuller breasts and I always feel so bloated. It's awkward because it looks like I just ate too much and have too much gas...which are all true, I have to say. I'll wake up in the middle of the night to eat and pee. Ugh, I pee so much nowadays.

First trimester tiredness, as my friend told me, is no joke! I love that I have all these symptoms, because it reminds me of what's growing inside of me, but the fatigue!!! I was crying to JJ the other day, because I felt like my fatigue was really debilitating me. For example, I often nod off in the car when I'm driving. The other day I went to the bookstore to read up on baby stuff, but I didn't even last 10 minutes before I had to take a power nap in my car. When I came to, I decided to get some errands out of the way, but had to pull over into the Target parking lot to sleep in my car...again! I woke up sweaty and irritable. Same thing happened when I walked around Target for five minutes; I had to sit on the ground and recuperate a little, but my attempts were futile. I was so tired that I literally felt sick, and so I went home and took a real nap. Le sigh.

Hopefully, I'll get decent pictures with my dslr today or tomorrow. Gotta step up my pregnancy chalkboard game! Right now, little Baby Bigley thinks it's time for another nap and something to snack on.

 Love,

 Mamabear

What To Expect Before You're Expecting

Hello, again. Long time no talk! I was initially going to wait on posting anything until my blog was all polished and ready to go, but I had a change of heart overnight, when someone tried to belittle me for not being pregnant and for never having been pregnant before.

Currently, JJ and I agreed that we would like to start our own family after the new year. This is something we agreed on after many nights of crying, fighting, and just being real with each other, over the span of a year or so. It's not even that I was trying to rush for it to happen immediately, but more like, "Can we start planning for it in the nearish future?"

We finally tied the knot after a little over four years of being together and living with each other. Yeah, yeah, married life is different in so many ways (there's just more trust, more loyalty, and more security, so on and so on), but overall married life is the same as all the other years of us being together. That's the simple truth for all the people who keep telling me that I need to enjoy "married life" just a little longer. Thank you for the advice, but it does not apply to me.

Moving on to what prompted this post. I will not name anyone, but someone who I thought would become a good friend and ally really broke my heart the other night. Said person knows how badly I want a baby. But, as much as I want a baby in my arms right here and right now, I am still very content with the plan JJ and I set for our baby making goals. Just a few finishing touches before we bring life into this crazy world, like being more financially stable (which is a great thing, especially with my photography business flourishing so quickly). And, honestly, for personal reasons like not wanting to give birth in the summer, and wanting to be preggers over the holidays.

Anyway, she has on two occasions now told me that I am being unfair towards other pregnant women for wanting to pursue birth photography/videography, and wanting to choose a natural birth plan for when the time comes. I still can't figure out how I am being unfair and offensive towards other pregnant women. I respect everyone's decision on how they want to pursue their own pregnancy and birth. I don't look down on mothers who chose a non-natural birth plan. It should be whatever you feel comfortable with. My disappointment is with our hospital system that caters to the comfort of the doctors more than it does for the mother and child. 

She said I was being unfair, also, because I was venting about how being a birth photographer is tough in South Florida, because all the women I have spoken to do not want to celebrate birth with photos and videos, which is fine by me. I'm not trying to impose on those women. I am trying to find the ones who would give anything for birth photos and video. Then, she implicitly suggested that I shouldn't have an opinion on these things because I've never been pregnant, and that she hopes I have the emotional capability to deal with my birth plan failing, if that should happen. It's just the way things were said and what was said that hurt me.

To the point, now. I may not have any infertility issues that I am aware of, other than a tipped uterus, but I am trying to conceive in my own way(s) through planning (lots of planning), and by taking care of my body while educating myself. And, it's not all rainbows and butterflies, just because I'm not struggling the exact same way as others. Just because I am not actively trying right now, at this very moment, doesn't mean that it's okay to belittle me when I discuss pregnancy and birth. This process is very real to me, and I demand respect on this topic. Otherwise, feel free to get out of my life. What does trying to conceive mean? For me, it means that I am actively planning for Baby Bigley in the near future, it means that I am actively educating myself on pregnancy and birth, it means that I religiously take prenatals, and it means that I am in that baby making mindset.

In other words, I want to be taken seriously when I say that I am in the TTC mindset. I'm not actively trying just yet, but there are other struggles, joys, and milestones to be made from now until we conceive. I cannot reiterate enough how very real this is to me. If you attempt to take away that happiness from me, that says a lot more about you. Every love story, pregnancy story, and birth story is unique, and this is ours. I have a husband who reminds me that this is really happening. The other day, he grabbed dinner and plopped himself on the floor next to me, as I sat glued to the screen watching "The Business of Being Born." That's real love and this is really happening, whether it takes us a little longer to get there or not.

Please, be careful how you talk to others. Be kind, everyone is fighting a battle.

Love,

Mamabear