my birth plan

Unfortunately, I am no longer planning a freebirth. About a week ago, my OB informed me that I tested positive for Group B strep (GBS), therefore I will need to be put on antibiotics as soon as I go into labor. When he broke the news to me, I immediately felt the color slipping from my face. What about my $200 + birth kit and pool? What about Bennett's "Born at Home" organic newborn onesie from Etsy? What about proving the naysayers and skeptics wrong? The list went on and on.

My OB excused himself from the room, so I decided to browse Facebook while I waited. In my newsfeed, one of my friends who also planned a freebirth announced the birth of her child, only he was born at a hospital — not at home. Reading through the comments, many people were curious as to what happened to her unassisted homebirth and why she transferred. She simply explained that under her circumstances, she felt like it was the right thing to do. Like me, she also tested positive for GBS. Among other things, she said it felt nice to be taken care of. Bingo. 

With my family far away and scattered, I felt alone and unsupported throughout the majority of my pregnancy. JJ is a wonderful husband who goes above and beyond to support me unconditionally, so it's definitely not for a lack of love or support on his end when I say these things. And, when it comes right down to it, this is our time. I want this experience to be memorable and joyous for the both of us. If he's carrying the weight of all our stresses and worries combined, he can't be expected to be my rock when I need him the most during labor and delivery. Realistically, I just couldn't picture it.

 

My OB was back in the room, going over what needs to be done when I go into labor. I got a little choked up and teary-eyed listening to him list all the ways that my baby and I would be taken care of. Such sweet magical words that were music to my ears. I have no shame in admitting that, all along, that's all I wanted — to feel taken care of. Again, this feeling isn't for a lack of anything on my husband's part. Many of my friends are pregnant along with me, and many of them have strong birth teams and/or strong familial support with lots of love pouring in, which is a beautiful thing because all expectant mothers deserve this and so much more. I didn't get to experience that, or have the baby shower/blessing way I always dreamed of having. Being so close to the end of my pregnancy, I'm only just coming to peace with all these things that didn't go according to plan.

It probably sounds silly to some because this should be the norm, but I seriously felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me when my OB discussed all the ways I would be taken care of. He told me to relax, party, and pamper myself. He told me to enjoy the last few days of pregnancy by celebrating instead of stressing. And, as much as I was opposed to a hospital birth at first, I quickly realized that each pregnancy is different, which also means that each birth experience will be, too. I changed healthcare providers four times throughout this pregnancy, along with birth plans, and each time was a heartbreaking experience. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace with my new birth plan.

My first OB immediately severed all ties with me when I told him I was considering a midwife, and wouldn't even talk to me directly after five years of seeing him. Instead, I got a phone call from a very rude nurse who told me that he was letting me go.

That's when I switched to midwife. The honeymoon phase was great, but sadly short-lived. I felt sick for days and was told that I could call the birthing center if things didn't get better. They didn't, and I couldn't sleep, so I contacted the center. That night, I ended up going to the ER and was told that I had severe UTI and possibly staph (I definitely had the former, but luckily didn't have the latter). Regardless, I was given antibiotics and felt better soon after. However, I received text messages from my midwife (by accident) the next morning wherein she mocked me for being an overly worried first-time mom. She tried to apologize and call, but I blocked her number and cried in bed the entire day. The sense of betrayal I felt was compounded by the fact that we were paying out of pocket for everything (had I stayed with her, I would've paid her $5,000).

The third OB was the worst. He kept telling me I was a bad mother and a “bad Asian” because I declined all genetic testing. I told him I already had a Pap smear with the first OB, but he said I had to do it again. I felt like a broken record, but he didn't care and proceeded to hurt me — both verbally and physically. He was so violent during the exam that I immediately started to scoot back and begged him to stop, but he ignored me and continued to manhandle me. I bled immediately and continued to bleed a lot for the next three days. I had to throw away the panties I wore the day of the exam, and even thought I miscarried because of how sore I was and how much blood had come out of me. When they called me back, I told them to never contact me again.

My current OB is wonderful, even if I disagree with the way the hospital he delivers at treats birth. My issues are with the system — not him. He has been respectful since day one, and continues to reassure me that he will work with me to give me the birth I want and deserve.

That brings me to my birth plan. I am aware that the obstetrical nursing staff is very hands-on and pushy at my hospital, because I've met them several times, and they don't make any attempts to hide it. Likewise, I don't hide my disapproval, especially when it pertains to my experience there. At the end of the day, I am the biggest voice for myself and my baby. They don't practice evidence-based birth, which is a new concept for many American hospitals it seems, so I'll give them that. However, I plan on doing things my way as much as I can during my stay there. If the urge to move and/or eat strikes, I will listen to my body and do just that. I don't think they have a right to "allow" or "not allow" me to do things, without having good reasons which I will expect them to explain to me in depth. 

So, here it is, my birth plan.

 

Love,

Mamabear