POAS Addict

I am a "pee on a stick" addict. Can't help it. I wonder if it has anything to do with this being my first pregnancy, but I love the feeling of seeing a positive test. It really gives me the reassurance I need while I wait before scheduling my first ultrasound.

What's crazy is that I took way more than what's pictured here, because I was a crazy person and started testing during the entirety of the infamous two week wait. Hey, whatever helps people get through that long wait! I know it helped me, even if I didn't see anything until like I was 3 weeks and 5 days. Regardless of all these tests, I still knew it in my bones. I mean, I was experiencing the craziest fatigue, mood swings, and bloating all at once.

Taken from my iPhone. The rest were taken with my dslr.

I love my little sweat pea so much! I was in love with our baby before I officially knew, before I started planning, and before anything else. I already felt love for this miracle inside of me.

Love,

Mamabear

Shhhhh!

I have a little secret...but, you can't tell anyone else until I'm ready to share with the rest of the world. I debated whether or not to post anything on here yet, but this blog was created specifically for me to document my baby journey, so here goes nothing.

I am with child. There is a little baby growing inside of me! A. Baby. There's a bun in my oven! I don't know why I never felt like this day would finally come, but it has and it still feels surreal.

The only people who know are my close family and friends, and (now) you guys. My family wants me to keep it a secret until the risky period is over, but I like the idea of celebrating life to the fullest each day I have with this little life inside of me. Right now, I am one day shy of 5 weeks. I found out that I was expecting at 10 DPO (days past ovulation). Granted, the line was extremely faint and I was the only one who acknowledged a second line. I was using apps to alter the image (inverting it and whatnot) to show people what I was seeing clear as day (even though I was squinting and holding the test up to the light).

I tried to do a pregnancy announcement chalkboard thingy on Sunday, but I left my camera at home so JJ and I decided to try again before he leaves for work. We took some so-so photos with the iPhone, but it's raining now, so I doubt we'll be able to go outside for decent photos this morning.

Speaking of morning, I am now experiencing morning sickness, especially if I bend over or down to pick something up. The best way I can explain it is that it tastes really spicy and it gets stuck in my throat for awhile. I also feel icky when I brush my teeth, but no vomiting yet, just nausea and general icky-ness.

I can eat entire jars of pickles in one sitting, and I've done it three times already. Honestly, I feel like they're not sour enough. I have been craving salty and spicy foods, and pickles have become a go-to snack if I can't get my fix. I hate to be the stereotypical pregnant woman, but it is what it is! I also have extremely tender/fuller breasts and I always feel so bloated. It's awkward because it looks like I just ate too much and have too much gas...which are all true, I have to say. I'll wake up in the middle of the night to eat and pee. Ugh, I pee so much nowadays.

First trimester tiredness, as my friend told me, is no joke! I love that I have all these symptoms, because it reminds me of what's growing inside of me, but the fatigue!!! I was crying to JJ the other day, because I felt like my fatigue was really debilitating me. For example, I often nod off in the car when I'm driving. The other day I went to the bookstore to read up on baby stuff, but I didn't even last 10 minutes before I had to take a power nap in my car. When I came to, I decided to get some errands out of the way, but had to pull over into the Target parking lot to sleep in my car...again! I woke up sweaty and irritable. Same thing happened when I walked around Target for five minutes; I had to sit on the ground and recuperate a little, but my attempts were futile. I was so tired that I literally felt sick, and so I went home and took a real nap. Le sigh.

Hopefully, I'll get decent pictures with my dslr today or tomorrow. Gotta step up my pregnancy chalkboard game! Right now, little Baby Bigley thinks it's time for another nap and something to snack on.

 Love,

 Mamabear

What To Expect Before You're Expecting

Hello, again. Long time no talk! I was initially going to wait on posting anything until my blog was all polished and ready to go, but I had a change of heart overnight, when someone tried to belittle me for not being pregnant and for never having been pregnant before.

Currently, JJ and I agreed that we would like to start our own family after the new year. This is something we agreed on after many nights of crying, fighting, and just being real with each other, over the span of a year or so. It's not even that I was trying to rush for it to happen immediately, but more like, "Can we start planning for it in the nearish future?"

We finally tied the knot after a little over four years of being together and living with each other. Yeah, yeah, married life is different in so many ways (there's just more trust, more loyalty, and more security, so on and so on), but overall married life is the same as all the other years of us being together. That's the simple truth for all the people who keep telling me that I need to enjoy "married life" just a little longer. Thank you for the advice, but it does not apply to me.

Moving on to what prompted this post. I will not name anyone, but someone who I thought would become a good friend and ally really broke my heart the other night. Said person knows how badly I want a baby. But, as much as I want a baby in my arms right here and right now, I am still very content with the plan JJ and I set for our baby making goals. Just a few finishing touches before we bring life into this crazy world, like being more financially stable (which is a great thing, especially with my photography business flourishing so quickly). And, honestly, for personal reasons like not wanting to give birth in the summer, and wanting to be preggers over the holidays.

Anyway, she has on two occasions now told me that I am being unfair towards other pregnant women for wanting to pursue birth photography/videography, and wanting to choose a natural birth plan for when the time comes. I still can't figure out how I am being unfair and offensive towards other pregnant women. I respect everyone's decision on how they want to pursue their own pregnancy and birth. I don't look down on mothers who chose a non-natural birth plan. It should be whatever you feel comfortable with. My disappointment is with our hospital system that caters to the comfort of the doctors more than it does for the mother and child. 

She said I was being unfair, also, because I was venting about how being a birth photographer is tough in South Florida, because all the women I have spoken to do not want to celebrate birth with photos and videos, which is fine by me. I'm not trying to impose on those women. I am trying to find the ones who would give anything for birth photos and video. Then, she implicitly suggested that I shouldn't have an opinion on these things because I've never been pregnant, and that she hopes I have the emotional capability to deal with my birth plan failing, if that should happen. It's just the way things were said and what was said that hurt me.

To the point, now. I may not have any infertility issues that I am aware of, other than a tipped uterus, but I am trying to conceive in my own way(s) through planning (lots of planning), and by taking care of my body while educating myself. And, it's not all rainbows and butterflies, just because I'm not struggling the exact same way as others. Just because I am not actively trying right now, at this very moment, doesn't mean that it's okay to belittle me when I discuss pregnancy and birth. This process is very real to me, and I demand respect on this topic. Otherwise, feel free to get out of my life. What does trying to conceive mean? For me, it means that I am actively planning for Baby Bigley in the near future, it means that I am actively educating myself on pregnancy and birth, it means that I religiously take prenatals, and it means that I am in that baby making mindset.

In other words, I want to be taken seriously when I say that I am in the TTC mindset. I'm not actively trying just yet, but there are other struggles, joys, and milestones to be made from now until we conceive. I cannot reiterate enough how very real this is to me. If you attempt to take away that happiness from me, that says a lot more about you. Every love story, pregnancy story, and birth story is unique, and this is ours. I have a husband who reminds me that this is really happening. The other day, he grabbed dinner and plopped himself on the floor next to me, as I sat glued to the screen watching "The Business of Being Born." That's real love and this is really happening, whether it takes us a little longer to get there or not.

Please, be careful how you talk to others. Be kind, everyone is fighting a battle.

Love,

Mamabear