long night

It's been a long night here. Lots of crying every thirty minutes. Lots of sloppy and super quick uppies with our favorite wraps. Not to mention, I barely got all my makeup off and never got around to eating dinner either. But, you've been glued to my breast, nursing fervently, once you were able to slow down and breathe a little.

I finally gave up and tossed my shirt aside, even though the October air has brought somewhat of a chill into our home. I took your shirt off, too, and that seems to have helped just a bit. You're just now sleeping again, your little body pressed up against my arm, and I could feel your warm breaths gently escaping your tired face. 

Moments ago, maybe fifteen minutes ago, we were both crying. I gently scooped you back into my arms, fumbling with something to wrap you with, while tears poured down your face for what felt like the twentieth time. We've been doing this all day, it seems. 

Maybe, it's your second tooth finally breaking through your swollen gums, I tell myself, without ever daring to check. My fingers in your mouth would only upset you more, and my heart can't take much more of your discomfort and uncontrollable tears.

What's hard about tonight is that this is a first for us. You've only ever cried like this once before when you were a fresh newborn. None of us slept that night, but you have never given us a sleepless night after that. Nothing has made me feel as helpless as I feel when I can't soothe you immediately. All I can do is whisper in your ear, and gently rock you to and fro.

However, there is one thing I will never do. Even in the darkest and most desperate hour, I will never let you cry it out. As helpless as nights like this can make me feel, I will never ignore you. I will always listen to all of your cries, even when they make me anxious and too tired to function. 

You're everything I signed up for and more. Give me all of your tears, all of your crying, and reach for me, because I will always hold you close to my heart, especially on nights like this when you need it the most. All my dreams, my dear, they are of you.

Love,

Mamabear