breastfeeding blues

"Let's go somewhere else. I think it's time to go."

"But, I just started feeding him. He needs to eat."

"No, I think we should leave now. Come on."

"Does breastfeeding bother you?"

This went on for a few more minutes, until my grandmother finally admitted that it did indeed bother her that I was nursing in public...without a cover. As we awkwardly made our way back to the car, Bennett still latched to my boob, and my grandmother red in the face, I politely asked her again if she was that bothered by me breastfeeding without a cover.

"Yes. Yes, it does bother me. In all the years that I've birthed babies and raised them, I have never witnessed anyone shamelessly take out their breast to nurse, especially in public."

"Well, the Pope says it's okay to breastfeed without a cover."

"You can only use that card, if you go to church and you don't."

"Okay." 

"Everything everyone has said about you is right. You breastfeed in public because you like the attention — not because you need to feed your baby."

"If it bothers you that much, we don't need to meetup anymore. I won't stop feeding him openly, and it looks like it'll never stop offending all of you."

This went on the entire ride home, and our voices got louder, too. I kept looking at Bennett, trying to hold myself together, because every word that came out of my grandmother's mouth cut me deeper, and I felt sure that I was breaking and falling, right before my baby's eyes. But, I can't break. I have to be strong for my baby, and I have to be strong for myself. I know in her heart, she didn't really mean all the hurtful things she was saying. I know she's getting a lot of pressure from other family members who have issues with me, but this is where we are.

My sister, who was driving, is pregnant with her first baby. When my family first found out about her pregnancy, to say that they were livid would be an understatement. Yet, I put myself out on the line for her and my unborn niece. I severed all ties with anyone who thought negatively about her situation. I was alone and depressed during the remainder of my pregnancy, all because I stood up for my sister. I have to accept that not everyone is a fighter, though. Some people keep the peace by trying to make everyone happy, and I have to be okay with that. 

Personally, I've never been one to look away or ignore someone blatantly being rude, saying something uneducated, and/or putting down another person. I have enough empathy to go around for everyone in the world, and then some. That's just a huge part of having an INFJ personality type, and it's taxing. Rewarding, but oh-so taxing like you wouldn't believe.

Anyway, I sat there as my grandmother accused me of being a narcissistic exhibitionist, wishing someone could stand up for me, save me, and enlighten my grandma. Because breastfeeding without a cover is NOT a cry for attention. Breastfeeding without a cover is NOT an expression of sexuality or narcissism. Breastfeeding without a cover is NOT a crusade that's out to make everyone uncomfortable and feel less than in any way.

I'll tell you what, though, breastfeeding without a cover is liberating. Breastfeeding without a cover is the most natural way I can provide for my baby who, by the way, knows absolutely nothing about your preconceived notions on sexuality. Breastfeeding without a cover is comfortable for me and my baby. Breastfeeding without a cover is protected by the law (at least, where I live). Breastfeeding without a cover is how my child is programmed to eat, just like the millions of babies that came before our time. 

Let's get something straight: I don't care how you feed your baby. It's one thing if you come to me asking for advice and/or support, but if you're minding your own business, feeding your baby how you see fit, that's none of my business. When I openly nurse without a cover, that is not an invitation to criticize and shame me, just as a mother bottle-feeding or a nursing with a cover isn't an invitation to judge. And, you know what, if breastfeeding without a cover makes me a narcissistic exhibitionist in the wrong, then I really really don't care to be right. In my heart, I know that I am doing what is best for me and my baby. Nobody could ever convince me otherwise, and I will not subscribe to the mentality that I need to make other people comfortable when I feed my hungry child.

Breastfeeding isn't about you. Breastfeeding is about me and my baby. Stop making it about your issues. Stop projecting your insecurities, your embarrassment, and your idea of sexuality unto others. I'm not asking all moms to join me in breastfeeding without a cover, because there's no one size fits all solution to anything, especially when it concerns parenting. 

"You could at least cover up or go to the bathroom. That's all I ask."

Actually, that's a lot to ask. Nevermind the fact that my baby has a tongue-tie and our breastfeeding journey was challenging. Nevermind the fact that I am still helping my baby get a better latch each time we breastfeed. Nevermind the fact that a cover makes us hot and uncomfortable, or the fact that public restrooms gross me out and smell bad. Let's start with the fact that breastfeeding isn't something to be ashamed of. Let's start with the fact that breastfeeding is between a mom and her baby. Let's start with the fact that my baby has a right to eat comfortably like anyone else enjoying their meal without a napkin over their heads.

Also, what's gross to me is when people sexualize breastfeeding. Do you realize what the implications mean? I'm trying to nourish my baby, and there are people who feel embarrassed because they think boobs are for sex. Like, no. I'm using my boobs to feed my child. How that makes you feel is entirely on you. I'm not thinking about sex or sexuality when I'm feeding my child, and it concerns me that some people jump to that conclusion at all.

So, where does that leave me? I can tell you that I've done things I'm not proud of, which my grandmother kept bringing up, and I'll give her that. But, I'll be damned if anyone tries to lump parenting/breastfeeding in that same category. I will never be ashamed to nourish my child, and whether or not I use a cover is my prerogative. As for now, I will continue to breastfeed without a cover because I don't feel gross, ashamed, or sorry about it. I saw someone on Facebook say that nursing moms shouldn't take their breast out until baby is all set to go and ready to latch. Look, lady, I don't know what planet you live on, but if I don't have my breast ready first, my baby will get angry and start crying. I'll pass on the fussiness and crying, and risk someone seeing a little nipple here and there, because having my breast out first is the fastest way to get my baby to latch, which means less time trying to put it in my baby's mouth, which means less time having my breast exposed altogether. A nipple is a nipple is a nipple. Nipple, nipple, NIPPLE, nipple, n-i-p-p-l-e; we all have 'em.

I will distance myself from anyone who doesn't want to see me breastfeed. I have no other choice. Again, I'm not asking all the bf mamas to join me in this. I'm just saying that I don't need that kind of negativity in my life. I will never compromise how I want to parent, especially when it concerns breastfeeding, and when it involves people who don't have to live with the consequences of my choices. I don't even care what my husband thinks. I only care about my baby. I sound like a broken record, I'm sure, but in case there's any confusion, let me just say that I give 0 fucks about how anyone thinks I should breastfeed. If you think it's disgusting, if you think it's immodest, and if it makes you lose sleep, please chuck it in the trash where I left my fucks.

I'm not fighting just for me. I am fighting for my baby, and that will never end. Between your discomfort and my baby, my baby wins. Always. So, don't even try to fight me on this. I. Will. Never. Stop. Fighting. For. My. Baby. This is how we like to nurse, so without a cover it is. It's been said before, but if this bothers you, by all means, I can help you find the bathroom where you can finish your meal. In fact, I'm always babywearing, so I can also lend you a wrap to cover your eyes, too. Let me know what works best for you, then we'll have a real discussion about this issue. Until then...

Happy breastfeeding, y'all. I don't even see nipple, do you?